El öpme: the Turkish hand-kissing custom, explained
El öpme is the Turkish custom of taking an elder's hand, kissing the back of it, and gently pressing it to your forehead as a sign of deep respect. You do it when you greet parents, grandparents, and older relatives, and it carries real weight the first time you meet a partner's family.
What el öpme actually is
El öpme means, literally, to kiss a hand. In practice it's a small two-part gesture: you take the elder's right hand, kiss the back of it, then lift it and touch it lightly to your forehead. That second move, hand to brow, is the part people outside Turkey often miss, and it's the part that signals respect rather than affection.
The elder usually responds. Most will say something warm as you do it, or place a hand on your head or shoulder. Older women often pull you in for a kiss on both cheeks right after. None of this is rehearsed; it just flows, which is exactly why a newcomer who's never seen it can feel caught off guard the first time.
It's not romantic and it's not submission. It's the Turkish way of saying I see you as my elder and I honor you, packed into about three seconds. Children learn it before they can spell, and grown adults still do it for their own grandparents at 50.
When you're expected to do it
The custom has a rhythm. There are moments where it's automatic and moments where it's optional, and knowing the difference saves you from both over-doing it and looking cold.
The big one is bayram. On the mornings of Ramazan Bayramı and Kurban Bayramı, families gather at the oldest relative's home and the younger people line up, more or less, to kiss hands. Grandparents often hand out a little money or sweets in return, which is why kids look forward to it. Beyond bayram, you do el öpme when you visit elders after a long absence, when an older relative arrives at a family meal, and at weddings and big gatherings where several generations are in one room.
- Always: bayram mornings, greeting grandparents, visiting an elderly relative you haven't seen in a while.
- Usually: meeting your partner's parents and grandparents for the first time.
- Situational: respected teachers, older neighbors, an elderly guest your family clearly reveres.
You don't do it on every casual encounter. If you live with your grandmother, you're not kissing her hand every morning. It marks occasions and arrivals, not routine.
Who you do it to (and who you don't)
El öpme runs upward in age and respect, never sideways or down. You do it to people clearly older than you whose standing in the family or community you want to honor.
| You'd typically do el öpme to | You generally wouldn't |
|---|---|
| Grandparents, great-aunts and uncles | Cousins your own age |
| Parents (especially on bayram) | Friends, no matter how close |
| Elder aunts and uncles (teyze, amca, dayı, hala) | Anyone younger than you |
| A respected teacher or family elder | Colleagues or strangers in passing |
A few honest caveats. Some elders will gently refuse and pull their hand back, especially if they feel you're too senior yourself to be bowing to them; that refusal is itself a sign of respect, and you simply switch to a handshake or a cheek kiss. And not everyone wants it. A modern aunt in Berlin may wave it off and hug you instead. Reading the person matters more than performing the ritual.
How to do it right, step by step
The mechanics are easy once you've seen them once. Here's the sequence native speakers do without thinking.
- Reach for the elder's right hand with your right hand. If they offer the hand palm-down, that's your cue.
- Lower your head slightly and kiss the back of the hand, not the palm.
- Lift the hand and touch it to your forehead, brow region, for a beat.
- Let go gently and stand straight. A quiet greeting works well here.
People often pair it with words. Younger folks may say a simple greeting; many add a respectful phrase as they straighten up. You don't need perfect Turkish. The gesture carries the message, and an elder who sees a foreigner trying it sincerely will be moved, not critical of accent.
One common mistake: rushing. Done too fast it reads as a chore. A calm, unhurried el öpme, head genuinely lowered, lands as the real thing. Another: kissing the palm or shaking and kissing at the same time. Keep the two parts clean and in order.
How it changes by region and generation
El öpme is not uniform across the country or across families, and pretending otherwise will trip you up. In more conservative and rural areas, in much of central and eastern Anatolia, it's deeply rooted and expected of the young toward almost any elder. In secular, urban households in places like İstanbul or İzmir, it's often reserved for grandparents and bayram, and a warm hug covers the rest.
Generation matters too. A teenager raised abroad in Rotterdam or Paris may know el öpme only from bayram video calls with grandparents back home. Some younger Turks see it as old-fashioned; others have brought it back deliberately as a way to stay connected to their roots. Diaspora families sometimes hold the custom tighter than relatives in Turkey, precisely because it's one of the threads that keeps the culture alive far from home.
If you're unsure what a particular family does, watch the youngest adults in the room and follow them. They'll show you the household's actual norm in the first five minutes. You can read more about how these customs sit inside Turkish dating culture and etiquette before you walk into a family setting cold.
El öpme when you meet your partner's family
This is where the custom turns from cultural knowledge into a genuine first-impression tool. When you meet your Turkish partner's parents and grandparents, doing el öpme correctly tells them, without a word, that you respect their family and take the relationship seriously. It can soften a nervous room in seconds.
A few practical notes for that day. Greet the eldest people first; the grandmother and grandfather usually come before parents. If a grandparent is seated, walk to them rather than making them rise. Don't force it on someone who clearly extends a hand for a normal shake. And brief your partner beforehand so they can quietly cue you on who's who.
It plays a real role in the harder relationship to win over, too. The Turkish mother-in-law has a reputation, and starting on the right foot helps; we cover that whole dynamic in our guide to the kaynana, and the wider visit in meeting the family. Get el öpme right and you've banked goodwill before the tea is even poured.
Where Lokum fits in
Customs like el öpme are easier to learn from someone who lives them. If you're a Turk in the diaspora hoping to meet a partner who shares this background, or you're dating into a Turkish family and want to understand it from the inside, the right match makes all of it natural rather than studied.
Lokum is a Turkish dating app for Turks everywhere, with memleket matching that connects you by hometown roots across all 81 provinces. Someone from your own family's region is far more likely to share the same instincts about when a hand gets kissed and when a hug will do. You can read how that works in our piece on memleket and hometown matching, or just start on the Lokum home page. It's free to begin, and the rest of the etiquette tends to follow once you've found the right person to learn it with.
El öpme is one of the simplest customs to learn and one of the most telling to skip. Kiss the elder's right hand, touch it to your forehead, take your time, and read the person in front of you rather than performing a script. Do it on bayram, do it for grandparents, and above all do it the first time you meet your partner's family, because that single unhurried gesture says you respect their world before you've said a sentence.
